Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Keepin' It Real ...

So yeah - still not completely back on track yet - but I am gettin' there. Managed to lose a pound and a half this week - I will take it.

Basically I think I am having an "early" mid-life crisis - ha! If that makes any sense.  It's not all weight related either - that is a big part of it but I just wake up everyday and I am just so completely bored with my life. My job is the WORST! I'm not ungrateful, I know I am lucky to have a job but I hate it more than anything else in this world. It is so boring and I feel like I waste so much of my life sitting at this desk wishing I was anywhere but here. I have disliked jobs before but this is beyond disliking at this point - I just don't care, don't care about the status of the compay, could care less if the place closed tomorrow, I would actually be extremely relieved! Don't care about the people I work with, I find myself cringing when one of them walks up to my desk - I NEED a change but the problem is I don't want to just go work in another office - I WANT something different!!

I am happy at home but even there I find myself pissed off at the same daily shit - go home make dinner, eat, clean the mess, do bathes, laundry, ironing, exercise, shower, go to bed - all in about 4 hours time - I don't sit down until I go to bed ... its the same thing EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  ... I am just getting so tired of it! I love my kids more than life itself but I find myself being so crabby with them lately. I sit at a job I hate all day long then I come home and work my ass off again - clean the house, they turn around and destroy it - so what is the point??

I'm just tired - worn out - and my diet/exercise has taken a back seat because of it. I hate what this blog has become - its turned into a place for me to bitch and moan and this is so not how I am. I am the one who is always happy and trying to please everyone else and lately I just want to be left alone.

I cut the grass yesterday and I sweated my ass off - it felt so good! I really do crave running, I love to sweat, it makes me feel powerful and like I actually accomplished something.

I have to get back to work - I have a million envelopes to stuff - woo friggin hoo ...

Next post will be positive - I just have to get this shit out of my head or it is going to explode!

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are feel so frustrated lately! It's tough to be in your position where it seems like you have little to look forward to. Is there something that you've been wanting to try? You mentioned running. Is there a race coming up? I'd encourage you to set a goal or make plans to do something that you really enjoy. That might get you out of your fun. I hope the rest of your day goes better!

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  2. Wow, Sam, sounds like you're flirting with some depression here. Do you have a good counselor or confidant you can turn to? Maybe even time to talk to your family doc? Feeling so trapped and down can loop back on itself and make you feel even worse. I think that if this has been going on more than a week or two you should ask for help.

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  3. Sam - I can relate to this post on so many levels, it's not even funny (so, I for one, am glad you keep everything so 'real' and post stuff like this - it's all relative - it does affect your weight loss!). While I'm not a mother, I feel the same aggravation day in and day out - it's the same grueling routine every day - wake up to go to a boring job that I hate, come home to go to the gym and cook/clean and just generally feel frustrated at how the day has progressed yet again, and then do it all over again the next day. I haven't been happy in my job for the last 4 years (and I've only been working out of college for 5 years total!), and like yourself, I'm bored - it's not challenging, I could care less about the mission of our business, etc etc. Eventually I had enough and decided to go back to college for something I truly care about. Still, that's not a quick fix solution - I won't be done with that for years to come! I have good days and bad days, but I often feel like I have no real purpose in life. In some ways, it's refreshing to hear that even being a mom (i.e. in a position where others are truly dependent on you) isn't a solution to the problem either. But I can only imagine how this makes you feel - you want to be the best person you can be for your children and husband, but it's just hard right now. I'm not going to make suggestions on what you can do (unless you want to hear it!) because I feel as though everyone needs their own time and way to figure out their challenges/crises/depression/whatever tag you want to put to it. I did like what Kari said though - I did find some purpose in focusing on the 5K's I had done. I did A LOT of them in a just 2 months time. I had one almost every weekend. It kept me extremely busy but it provided purpose. I benefit from these posts and I'm sure others do to. Our weight loss journey, much less our life journey, is not always hunky-dury - so I appreciate the reality you've given us!

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