Thursday, October 11, 2012

Reality Check

Here I am again .. still NOT doing what I need to do to lose this weight. I have been thinking about what I am going to do and how I am finally going to tackle this thing ... like so many friggin' times before. Bottom line is I am tired. I am tired of starting over, tired of getting motivated only to squash that with my hands sunken into a glass of milk holding on to an oreo for dear life until it is just smooshy enough to shove into my mouth ... do I need to go on?

I have been reading Brandi's blog and how awesome she has been doing and getting up at the crack ass of dawn to work out. I could do that, I thought... think again, I set my alarm for 4:30 this morning and continued to push snooze until I HAD to get up ... pathetic.

Then I read Mama Laughlin's blog today, guest post from "the Hubs" and that post hit me like a ton of bricks. Her husband was so very honest and when he was describing his wife in her "heavy days" it was like he knew my life ... scary shit for real!

His words - describing me!
She started to become more shy and reserved. A wallflower.

We had many discussions about her losing weight and I found it hard to even discuss it with her without her ending up in tears.

She was wearing blue jeans again (no more sweat pants! YES!!). She was wearing her own tops again, not my old t-shirts.YES!! We started to do The Horizontal Mambo again.

We all know how that can be put on hold when people don't feel like they look good.
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is my life! I realize this journey needs to be for me more than anyone else but the way I feel now affects not just me. I find myself moody and stand offish - definitely not sexy or "in the mood" ... This weight affects a HUGE part of my life. My insecurities control too much of who I am. I don't want to be insecure any more. I don't want to feel "not good enough".  I don't want to keep my opinions to myself because I feel like they aren't worthy to be heard.
 
I want so much more! I want a husband who is proud of me. A husband that doesn't have to deal with my bitchyness - after he has done nothing wrong. I want my boys to be proud to call me their mom and I don't want to yell at them or tell them to go play and leave me alone because I am having another bad day. I want to go outside and run and play with them. I want to take pictures with them and not feel disgusting or hide from the camera, I want them to know I was there through every step of their lives, even if they can't see it because I hid from the camera every chance I got.
 
I could go on all day - there is so much going through my head right now. Thank you Mama Laughlin for that post today - it woke me up, shook me and made me think.
 
Sorry for the heavy post, I know no one really likes reading these ... I guess this is more of a "mind dump" for me and something for me to reflect on in the future, after I finally kick this weight in the ass and off of my ass!
 
Oh and I never heard back about the job - complete bullshit if you ask me. I can't believe they couldn't even give me a Thanks, But No Thanks letter ... everything went so well, it just doesn't add up but whatever, on to the next one.

2 comments:

  1. I totally get this. I did a half marathon in April, got down to my lowest weight in over 10 years and then took the summer off from running and gained back 15 pounds. I have noticed a huge change in my emotional status. I've been grumpy, I yell at my kids, I just want to lie around and sleep all day. I hate it. I've recently gotten back on track with my eating and running and I'm already starting to feel better. And I'm 2 pounds down!

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  2. You can do it! I felt like Mama's hubs could have been mine talking too. I actually just told him yesterday that I felt like he was finally starting to see the girl he met 10 years ago again.

    I'm glad I could inspire you some. I still have a hard time getting up and almost didn't this morning! Its not easy, but once you do it and feel how much better your day is from the start, it gets easier. You want this and you can do it!

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