Saturday night is Girls Night Out and I can't wait to get White Girl Wasted and forget about how this year has been screwing me over and over and over ... Saturday can't get here fast enough!
So anyways, this recent turn of events has me thinking "deep thoughts" today. There is so much in my life I can't control - like making those jerks buck up and hire me and pay me what I want ... I can't control, to an extent, what people think about me - I can be me but in the end people will think what they want.
My confidence is pretty much non-existent at this point. I don't feel worthy of people's time, of people's attention ... I feel unimportant - for lack of better words. So much of this stems from my weight and how it makes me feel. I am just being real right now, putting it all out there. When I was in the interview they told me that I should be applying for "higher positions" but the truth is I am scared to go any higher. I have been at the level I am at for so long I am scared to move up. What if I fail? What if I can't handle the bigger challenges that come with a "higher position"? Why would they want me in an executive position? I am a "nobody". I don't have nice clothes because I hate to go shopping because EVERYTHING looks horrible on me. Where I work now I do not really have to dress up so I hide behind baggy, unflattering clothes. If I go to a big company with a more professional environment, I won't fit in!
I see all the other "blogger ladies" wearing all these cute outfits, getting their nails done, getting their hair done - and I think to myself I wish I felt good enough about myself to do those things. I wish I could be a success story and I could inspire people the way they do.
Well you know what - Why can't I????
I can tell you one thing, I am not going to get there sitting my fat ass on the couch reading their stories and looking at their pictures. They got where they are now because they worked their asses off. There is greatness inside of me, but it is up to ME and only ME to find it and let it out.
Screw all those companies that didn't give me the job, their loss not mine! Screw you skinny jeans I've looked at and wished I could wear, these size 16's are going to be replaced with you! Screw all those haircuts I have loved but thought my face was too fat to get! Screw all the self-doubt and WISHING that I could be "one of those success stories", I will inspire others to find their greatness!