Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When Life Gives You Lemons ...

If you read my last post you know 2013 hasn't been so great so far and today was no exception, unfortunately. I got the dreaded email of thanks, but no thanks, for the job I interviewed for. They bascially told me I needed to apply for jobs in higher pay grades, which is kind of what I thought would happen after they told me what they were offering. So, it's over ... moving on.


Saturday night is Girls Night Out and I can't wait to get White Girl Wasted and forget about how this year has been screwing me over and over and over  ... Saturday can't get here fast enough!

So anyways, this recent turn of events has me thinking "deep thoughts" today. There is so much in my life I can't control - like making those jerks buck up and hire me and pay me what I want ... I can't control, to an extent, what people think about me - I can be me but in the end people will think what they want.

My confidence is pretty much non-existent at this point. I don't feel worthy of people's time, of people's attention ... I feel unimportant - for lack of better words. So much of this stems from my weight and how it makes me feel. I am just being real right now, putting it all out there. When I was in the interview they told me that I should be applying for "higher positions" but the truth is I am scared to go any higher. I have been at the level I am at for so long I am scared to move up. What if I fail? What if I can't handle the bigger challenges that come with a "higher position"? Why would they want me in an executive position? I am a "nobody".  I don't have nice clothes because I hate to go shopping because EVERYTHING looks horrible on me. Where I work now I do not really have to dress up so I hide behind baggy, unflattering clothes. If I go to a big company with a more professional environment, I won't fit in!

 
My weight has so much control over me and how I feel about myself. The way I think others view me. It has taken away my personality, my confidence, my joy! ... Why do I let it? THIS is something I CAN control!

 
 
It's time to start paving a new road! It's time to start believing in myself.

 

I see all the other "blogger ladies" wearing all these cute outfits, getting their nails done, getting their hair done - and I think to myself I wish I felt good enough about myself to do those things. I wish I could be a success story and I could inspire people the way they do.
 
Well you know what - Why can't I????
 
 
I can tell you one thing, I am not going to get there sitting my fat ass on the couch reading their stories and looking at their pictures. They got where they are now because they worked their asses off. There is greatness inside of me, but it is up to ME and only ME to find it and let it out.
 
 
Screw all those companies that didn't give me the job, their loss not mine! Screw you skinny jeans I've looked at and wished I could wear, these size 16's are going to be replaced with you! Screw all those haircuts I have loved but thought my face was too fat to get! Screw all the self-doubt and WISHING that I could be "one of those success stories", I will inspire others to find their greatness!
 
 


3 comments:

  1. I am fighting a lifelong battle with my weight, self-esteem, and self doubt. In October I had a very personal wake-up call and decided that I'm worth so much more than a number on a scale or what someone thinks of me. I've started taking better care of myself mentally and physically, I've started getting regular mani/pedis and buying a few little things that make me feel better. My goal size is a 14-16 so always remember someone else is praying for what you have. The battle will always be inside but mi choosing to fight! Hope your year gets better!!

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  2. Alright, listen up! You are a beautiful woman! And you inspire me! You are not only beautiful, you are sweet and funny and I have enjoyed reading your blog since the day I stumbled across it. I'm actually excited when I see you have a new post pop up on my Google reader! :) So see, you DO inspire people! Don't give up. This crap is hard, girl. I know it. But you can do it! YOU CAN! Believing in yourself is going to get you far! Go get yourself a haircut. Get your nails done and buy a cute new shirt that you feel good about buying. Who cares what the tag says! Just doing those things will lift your spirit a little bit!

    I'm here to cheer you on! :)

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    1. Saw this video today and immediately knew I had to share it with you. Enjoy!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gQLqv9f4o&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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